Craig
so, what's a pretty girl like you doing here in la?
running from the law.
have you been naughty?
only if you said that in a creepy voice
obviously, i did
then obviously i am.
seriously, what brings you here? actress looking for work?
podcast festival actually. sorry to ruin all of the porn fantasy possibilities
surprisingly my fantasies start with a beautiful bostonian who comes to la for a podcast festival and let's me take her out for drinks
your fantasies sound pretty boring, craig. but here's my number 617-555-0165
Davie
hello beautiful. welcome to the city of angels. you from here originally?
very smooth
it's my best opener on tourists
what's the best on locals?
as you can tell from my pictures, i'm really great with the pussy
yeah, you have like 4 pictures with cats. are they all yours?
nah i hate cats. i only have them for the line
i had such high hopes for you, davie
Rand
this is a weird question, but were you at the starbucks on beacon st this morning around 8:30?
were you the girl who spilled her drink on herself?
it wasn't on myself, it was on the floor
and my shoes
whoops
i know your game, spilling things on innocent, yet ridiculously good looking bystanders to get their number
and yet, i had to search the entirety of tinder to find you
no one said you were good at the game?
touche. i'd offer to buy you a new pair of shoes to make up for it, but how about a drink instead?
i'd prefer the shoes?
ouch
Kev
whatsup, girly. i see your interested in sum kev
your hot
my hot what?
Dennis
cute puppy.
thanks, is that your dog in your instagram?
sure is. that's mary puppins
that's funny, because mine is bert
you're kidding
and they call it puppins love. 
alright, doggie osmond
for the date i'm thinking run around a park a little bit, get some water, maybe sniff each other's butts.
are we going on a date or the dogs?
i thought it was obvious. i don't sniff butts on the first date. you and i will just get a drink
sounds less exciting though
oh, then wanna bone?
no, i was just all over the running around the park thing
an active girl. when can i take you out?
i'm going out of town for a week, but i'll get back to you when i get home
i hope you do.
Peter
hey girl, why don't i put out the fire in your pants?
yo? when can i take you out?
bitch, i see you were online. why aren't you responding?
glad i didn't take a cunt like you out for drinks. you'd probably fuck the bartender while i'm in the shitter
YOU save people's lives?
Tyler
Okay, on a scale from imdb movie forums to 4chan racist rants, what are you in the sheets?
r/nosleep
moderated, but I see where you're going with that.
That was forum flirting
Of course, I'm surprised I didn't recognize it before. What are you looking for on here?
My next future ex possibly.
Short term/Long term?
Long term. We'll get married, have 3 kids and then I'll catch you cheating with the nanny. Except the nanny is a butch man named Mike.
This is doable. Can we start with dinner first?
I'm wary of how chilled out you are at my joke.
I like a challenge.
Do I seem like a challenge?
Very much so.
Alright. Here's my number. I won't be in town next week, but feel free to text me. 617-555-0165
Challenge accepted.
Mika
hi beautiful. if you like playing with balls, i'm a pro at tennis.
i'm really confused by this line...
not a line, i just thought you might like tennis?
uh... not really?
can we start over?
sure. not sure what's going on anyway.
hi brenda, i'm mika. what brings you to the big island?
work conference. did you grow up here?
no, i'm from michigan, but moved here after high school to surf. i now run a taco truck. doesn't sound glamorous, but i make good money and i love where i live. what do you do?
software development. sit in front of a desk all day. but now i'm contemplating moving here and opening a rival taco truck.
ouch, but i always appreciate a friendly competition
ha, friendly.
are you getting much time to go on a tour?
the conference is over on tuesday, so i'm going to do that for the rest of the week.
i'm off on wednesday afternoon. can i show you some great stuff?
sure, tour me around.
cool. which hotel are you at? or would you rather meet somewhere neutral?
neutral. what about your taco truck?
works for me. it's at insert place here.
noon?
see you then!